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	TOP 10 FUNNY JOKES Here is the Top 10 of funny jokes, as voted for by our readers on the Laugh Judgment discussion board. The funniest religious joke of all time (see joke No.1 at the foot of this page) was written by comedian Emo Philips, who rightly took us to task in the Guardian for not crediting him – our apologies, Emo, for not spotting that this was your joke. Click here to visit Emo's website. No. 10: The talking statue 34% of people thought this was funny or very funny A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray. The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!" The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!" Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 9: The Trinity's holiday 35% of people thought this was funny or very funny The Trinity were planning a holiday. The Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested. "No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated, they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head in." So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history and everything." "No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last time, I'm never going there again!" At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent: "Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son. "Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there before!" Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 8: Jesus at the Pearly Gates 40% of people thought this was funny or very funny St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in. After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly." Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!" The old man replied, "Pinocchio?" Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 7: Secrets of the confessional 42% of people thought this was funny or very funny Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional. "Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman." "Ah Michael," sighed the priest, "you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?" "I can't tell you, father," answered Michael, "I promised I wouldn't say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman." "Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O'Rourke?" "I can't say, father, I promised I wouldn't, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman." "Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?" "I can't tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman." "Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?" "Father, I can't say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman." The priest pronounced, "Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys." "Thank you, father," a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting. "Michael, Michael, what did the father say?" "He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads." Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 6: The desperate man on a train 44% of people thought this was funny or very funny A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?" When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?" Still no reply. By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?" Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister." The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!" Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 5: The twelve priests 44% of people thought this was funny or very funny Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell... Then all the other bells started to ring. Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 4: The four sinning nuns 50% of people thought this was funny or very funny Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. "Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter. "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun. Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 3: A problem in the convent 58% of people thought this was funny or very funny Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay." Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 2: Whoever is without sin 62% of people thought this was funny or very funny Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone." Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot. Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off." Click here to read discussion on this joke. No. 1: Man on a bridge Written by the comedian Emo Philips. 65% of people thought this was funny or very funny I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it." "Why shouldn't I?" he asked. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Are you religious?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915." I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off. Click here to read discussion on this joke.
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