Review of Scene 8
Finding the Inn / The Birth
By Our Man in Bethlehem, Steve Tomkins

And so, in a humble stable in Bethlehem Our Lord (along with his evil twin sister Cyril Lavinia) is now born. How did it go?

The huge disappointment is that Brian – the handsome hero who has just spent a night bursting with possibilities in his Skoda with Mary – instead of taking her into town for a showdown with the infuriating Joseph we all love to loathe and despise, spends the entire scene sleeping, the useless twassock. And if you think that sentence was a bit longwinded, just try reading the 7,500 lines of "script" it summarises.

So now Joe, having left his vastly pregnant fiancée and donkey to their own devices overnight on the Bethlehem road, pulls up in his limo and says:

"I've been looking all over! Hope you slept OK. What's for breakfast?"

"The thought's been on my mind every moment I've spent without you. Lucky for us, I saw a 24-hr Rent-A-Rabbi on the way here. Driver, to the Rent-A-Rabbi!"

Terrifyingly, Mary waddles into the limo, casting one last glance back at the snoozing dolt in the Skoda... and (a burst of hallelujahs – where are all those useless angels when you need one?) realizes they left the luggage in his boot.

"Look," says Joe, "the only slot open at Rent-A-Rabbi..." (points to shop window) "is now. We either get married, or we get luggage. The choice is yours."

Mary suddenly remembers that they haven't booked at the Plaza and Bethlehem is filling rapidly. And Joseph is, after all, the man of her dreams... isn't he?

I mean to say, luggage? That can wait. Joseph, I want to live with you for ever. Let's get married now.

Sigh.

Anyway, the baby is born – babies that is, of course, one of them brandishing a firearm (that's got to be worse than forceps), and if you need me to tell you which one, you really haven't been paying attention – and everyone goes gooey.

What else? There's not only no room at the inn, but, predictably enough, no innkeeper either. So what stops them from staying there is, less predictably, a strange flesh-eating zombie disease. There's a long overdue outburst of Joseph-wards swearing from Mary. And don't miss the excellent wedding ceremony. Admittedly, it's hard not to, as it hasn't started by 9pm, and is all over by 9.02.

But to give Joseph his due, I should say his reaction to Mary's announcement of perpetual virginity is a lot more subdued than we had any right to expect.

Probably prefers football anyway.

© Ship of Fools 2002