Review of Scene 5
The census cometh
By Our Man on the Bethlehem trail, Steve Tomkins

This is what we want. Lots of Mary and Joseph, a minimum of angels and not a "wise" "man" in sight. Give us today our daily soap.

And finally King Herod has a chance to shine too. Can he do a better job than the star? Answer: a barrel full of bricks would do a better job than the star, so let's hope so. We are lucky – and we know we are lucky because he tells everyone all the time – to have a professional actor playing Herod. Who could forget Stoo's epoch-making role as Second Mouthy Shopkeeper in The Bill? (All right, hands down, it was a rhetorical question.)

Even before today's grand entrance, one has felt his eminent presence looming over the production, largely because he keeps shouting from his dressing room in quiet bits and wandering unexpectedly into Bethlehem and Orientar.

Ironic then that when the maestro's moment finally comes, instructed by Caesar to organise the census, he tells a slave, "Pass this on to Quirinus at the Department of Boring. Should keep him busy for a while," and wanders off. Saving himself for the slaughter of the innocents, I suppose, and who can complain?

So its Mary and Joseph time again, as they depart for Bethlehem. Watch out for some great packing from Joe, and further grovelling-and-shopping girliness from Mary, more toe-curling in its own way than Joe's blokiness.

Listen Mary, you're not married, you haven't cemented your relationship and become one flesh in the eyes of God, and he's not the father of your twins. I see no ethical reason for not trading him in for the first half-decent shepherd – or, God help us, Wise Man – you meet. Think about it.

Sadly, the prospect of this has receded for the moment, thanks to Joseph's macho display in defence of her honour. After the Musical Director suggests that the effect of her posh new maternity dress is to make her look "like a big snozzcumber", the buzzsaw makes a reappearance, and everyone gets drenched in testosterone.

This has the deplorable result of sending M's already overworked gooey gland into overdrive. However I have high hopes for further developments in their relationship when they turn up in Bethlehem and realize he never got round to booking ahead.

© Ship of Fools 2002